BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
A ghost story
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Me buying fruit and veg
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.