Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
A ghost story
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.