don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice