i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.