My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Why font matters.
saving face 👀
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.