Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The future is now.