Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
War & Peace
Generation gap…
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
pat pat
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground