[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Every BBC series about the universe.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
The news
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?