I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better