The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
is this a warning or an offer?
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.