Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light