*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
You Might Also Like
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.