My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.