[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Going to church you guys need anything
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US