Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
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crochet youtube is brutal
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.