Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.