“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Finally a use for spoilers…
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.