Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize