I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
cats when you pet them too long:
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
File under excellent bookstore names.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *