“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
his wife is probably gonna see that
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.