Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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I’M CRYINGGG
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.