MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.