On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.