My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.