Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.