I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
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Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL