I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
#polloftheday
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.