Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Hitlers gonna hitl
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.