[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Word!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.