Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
You Might Also Like
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old