🤔😂😂
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
New Tinder profile.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup