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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.