Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
what day is it?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
💁🏻♂️
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.