I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks đ
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
When people say I donât mean to brag theyâre bragging about not bragging.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
They say âLiar, Liar, Pants on Fireâ but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
When my wife and I argue itâs usually over something petty like âwhat are we going to watch tonight?â or âwhoâs that guy you were just having sex with?â
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
you stereotypes are all alike
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
No, autocorrect, switching âgenericsâ to âgerbilsâ in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
16: âWhat was it like when you were growing up?â
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
âBe back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-â
Me: *slam
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, Iâm afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.