YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.