Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Sell your car
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
everyone has that one prude friend
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.