Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
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interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Finally! 😈
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]