explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Sign at work today
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.