I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
how much does a mortician urn in a year
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
yeah no that’s fair
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad: