I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
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Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
don’t we all
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?