If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
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[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Breaking news:
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs