If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
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“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother