Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
You Might Also Like
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I already tried new things thanks.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.