When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.