I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
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my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.