ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
You Might Also Like
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
wow
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.