NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
This pepper has seen some shit
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.