Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Running from your problems is cardio .
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.