Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
canadian assassins are called killergrams
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If looks could kill
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*