humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation